Dream baby

  I just woke up. I don't really know if I should be posting a blog about this,  but I had the most amazing dream. Most of my friends and family are aware of all the pain and suffering we have had to deal with because of infertility, and then came the sad experience we had with foster care. The news that chemo might wipe out my remaining ovary wasn't a shock, but it was still very sad to hear. The fact that it might have to come out in the future because of whatever damage is done to it because of my Polycystic ovary syndrome, cancer, or chemo wasn't a shock either, just sucked to hear.

  We have come to the conclusion that adoption will probably be the way we build our family. Neither of us have an issue with that, I just always dreamed of having "red headed Mexican babies" with Gary. I let go the notion of that little ideal baby in my head a long time ago. Adoption can be and is a wonderful thing, I have some beautiful people in my family because of adoption and would never ever trade them. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I'm really looking forward to our future and I can't wait to meet my little kiddos. I just started chemo but starting my day today with such a calm feeling about all of this, shows me that, my plan isn't the only one I need to consider. 

So onto my dream; it was a quick one, and I may have made it go quicker, I was so happy I woke up with a smile!! Its a little weird but bare with me.....

  I had a little baby in my arms that I was playing with on a merry-go-round (hey its a dream, babies play on merry-go-rounds in dreams....he could talk too!) We (my baby and I) were playing with my cousin and her little girl. Of course I was so happy and filled with joy that me and dream baby were together. We talked about how great it was to have him with me and how he was so loved and the most wanted baby in the world....Then a school bus came. I asked the baby if he was ready to go back. Baby said "will you be done by the time I come back?" and I told him that I would be (I knew he was talking about my chemo), and when he came back he would be with us forever. I put him in a car seat on the bus and he waved to me, smiled, said "see you in a little while" and fell asleep. I waved him off and went off into my house to finish up what I had to do. This would normally make a sad ending to dream but it gives me hope.

  If your wondering why I feel the need to share this, well its mostly for me to remember this amazing dream I had because I really do believe I have a child somewhere out there. Whether s/he is here yet or not I will get to see him or her again and I hope soon. But all in Gods time. That is a concept I struggle with, letting Him work in my life the way it needs to happen not the way I want or expect it to happen. 

  So to my little (one-day) baby, I love you and I will see you soon, as soon as I can. 

Chemo update: I had my Neulasta injection on Saturday. The shot wasn't bad and I am so happy to say that I didn't have the terrible achy bones side effect. I am a little sore on my hips and shoulder blades but nothing like I thought I would be. It just made me extremely tired. I have probably been asleep over 80% of Saturday & Sunday. My nausea has been the worst it has been too. We had every intention of staying at church yesterday but after about 20 minutes I thought I was going to be sick. I wanted to stay for the sacrament so I made it, but that tiny cup of water almost sent me running to the bathroom. Last night, a weird twist, I couldn't get enough to eat, I was so hungry! I ate so much roast beef, I don't understand where all this hunger came from. But the food was welcome, I was able to sleep last night ALL night without waking up. 

Happy 4th of July everyone!!! 


Tomorrow I go in for my Bleo & benadryl, ugh more chemo.