100th Post!

I never thought I would have 100 things to write about but I just noticed that this will be post 100. Woot Woot!

I just wanted to give a little update for the two people that read our blog.

February...

was a hard month for me. My headaches would not go away no matter what I took or did. My incisions were oozy and hurt all the time. I finally faced the fact that I would never ever be able to bring a baby to this world, it was hard but not as hard as I thought it would be. I'm actually surprised I did/am taking it so well. When I told my Dr. that I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be she said "with as much trouble as your ovaries have given you I wouldn't miss them either" well said Dr. Beck! I still can't handle baby showers or brand new babies well. I do try to put on a brave face though. I really am happy for all my friends and family that have or are having babies, it's just hard for me to wonder "what if". Mrs. R posted a link to a blog where someone writes about infertility and its so true, its a wonderfully written piece. It's called Be Gentle, I hope you will read it. Oh, and I did get a Kindle Fire for Valentines day - I love it!

I did some digging about adopting through LDSFS . I thought we had to wait 2+ years before being able to adopt, but I asked a blogger {Thank you Mrs. R.} about it (since she has experience with LDSFS) and she said she thought that they would accept us. So I called the local office and the receptionist said that as long as my Dr thinks I am OK, then we shouldn't have a problem being accepted.

We have our first interview March 8th at 6 p.m. !!!

Wish us luck!

Ring, ring, ring, ring.....

(I wrote this a couple weeks ago and just decided to post it. I wasn't sure because of the infertility stuff)

The ringing could and probably will go on and on....its a side effect of the Cisplatin, one of my chemo drugs. And of course I have to get one of the "rare" side effects that most people do not experience....ringing in my ears, which can lead to high frequency hearing loss. Im going to have to talk to my Dr about this before my next round of chemo. Hearing loss runs in the family and I really hope it doesn't happen to me.

Other than that annoying side effect, the usual ones are still present, my nausea accompanies me most mornings, Im still always tired, and super achy from the Neulasta shot.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is that of my fertility (or infertility). Since I have one ovary left the Dr said conception would still be possible (before chemo). Now, two of my chemo drugs can cause chemo induced menopause. I wont know for about 6 months if my remaining ovary has any function. My Dr has attempted to "shut down" my ovary by having me take birth control during my chemo treatments. She didnt sound very confident when we devised this plan but were hoping.

Im not really hoping that it still works just to concieve, but more so I can be "normal". Everything has been so abnormal and rare for me that it would be great to just have something go right. If I can't have my own kiddos, totally ok with that!! I've had more than enough adoption experience to know that "blood" doesn't make a family. I have a wonderful family and some of our brood is adopted. Im not looking forward to the emotional roller coaster that comes with adoption, but in the end it will all work out.

Dream baby

  I just woke up. I don't really know if I should be posting a blog about this,  but I had the most amazing dream. Most of my friends and family are aware of all the pain and suffering we have had to deal with because of infertility, and then came the sad experience we had with foster care. The news that chemo might wipe out my remaining ovary wasn't a shock, but it was still very sad to hear. The fact that it might have to come out in the future because of whatever damage is done to it because of my Polycystic ovary syndrome, cancer, or chemo wasn't a shock either, just sucked to hear.

  We have come to the conclusion that adoption will probably be the way we build our family. Neither of us have an issue with that, I just always dreamed of having "red headed Mexican babies" with Gary. I let go the notion of that little ideal baby in my head a long time ago. Adoption can be and is a wonderful thing, I have some beautiful people in my family because of adoption and would never ever trade them. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I'm really looking forward to our future and I can't wait to meet my little kiddos. I just started chemo but starting my day today with such a calm feeling about all of this, shows me that, my plan isn't the only one I need to consider. 

So onto my dream; it was a quick one, and I may have made it go quicker, I was so happy I woke up with a smile!! Its a little weird but bare with me.....

  I had a little baby in my arms that I was playing with on a merry-go-round (hey its a dream, babies play on merry-go-rounds in dreams....he could talk too!) We (my baby and I) were playing with my cousin and her little girl. Of course I was so happy and filled with joy that me and dream baby were together. We talked about how great it was to have him with me and how he was so loved and the most wanted baby in the world....Then a school bus came. I asked the baby if he was ready to go back. Baby said "will you be done by the time I come back?" and I told him that I would be (I knew he was talking about my chemo), and when he came back he would be with us forever. I put him in a car seat on the bus and he waved to me, smiled, said "see you in a little while" and fell asleep. I waved him off and went off into my house to finish up what I had to do. This would normally make a sad ending to dream but it gives me hope.

  If your wondering why I feel the need to share this, well its mostly for me to remember this amazing dream I had because I really do believe I have a child somewhere out there. Whether s/he is here yet or not I will get to see him or her again and I hope soon. But all in Gods time. That is a concept I struggle with, letting Him work in my life the way it needs to happen not the way I want or expect it to happen. 

  So to my little (one-day) baby, I love you and I will see you soon, as soon as I can. 

Chemo update: I had my Neulasta injection on Saturday. The shot wasn't bad and I am so happy to say that I didn't have the terrible achy bones side effect. I am a little sore on my hips and shoulder blades but nothing like I thought I would be. It just made me extremely tired. I have probably been asleep over 80% of Saturday & Sunday. My nausea has been the worst it has been too. We had every intention of staying at church yesterday but after about 20 minutes I thought I was going to be sick. I wanted to stay for the sacrament so I made it, but that tiny cup of water almost sent me running to the bathroom. Last night, a weird twist, I couldn't get enough to eat, I was so hungry! I ate so much roast beef, I don't understand where all this hunger came from. But the food was welcome, I was able to sleep last night ALL night without waking up. 

Happy 4th of July everyone!!! 


Tomorrow I go in for my Bleo & benadryl, ugh more chemo. 

2009 buh-bye!

2009 was full of ups and downs for us, thank goodness it was mostly ups!

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  We rang in the New Year at home, exhausted from a Christmas trip to New Mexico, then a work trip to Prescott, AZ for Gary to finish the job he was doing.
  
  
  
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  In February we found out we are dealing with two infertility obstacles.
  
  
  
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  Spent Easter with Gary's mom and sister
  
  
  
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  Work ended in May for Sam (yay!)
  
  
  
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  Sam headed to New Mexico for three weeks in June ( I had a blast!!)
  
  
  
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  Came home in July and we decided to try to concieve naturally.
  
  
  
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  Gary finished the porch!!!!
  
  
  
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  In August we spent our anniversary week in Yellowstone, we had a beautiful hotel room and had a blast!
  
  
  
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  Work started again for Sam, and a whole new set of challenges came up. But I have learned from them, so in the end hopefully I will be a wiser person(?)
  
  
  
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  October- Dr told us there was no way for us to concieve naturally :(
  
  
  
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  November - Gary turned 25 - Had an interesting Thanksgiving with Gary's family.
  
  
  
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  December - Saw an infertility Dr and he gave us hope!! (more on that in a later post). - We had a quiet Christmas morning at Garys moms house, breakfast was great! Then presents at his dads house. - Sam turned 25 (spent it in New Mexico with my wonderful family) - Happy New Year!!
  
  
  

Like I said, there were a lot of ups and downs, but overall I am so thankful for everything I have in my life, no matter what 2010 brings us, I know we can get through it.

A hard Sunday

Yesterday, I went to church with my mother-in-law. I am so thankful for her. It's super hard for me to go to church with out Gary, but he was working.

During RS someone asked me where my kids were...I wanted to say "In Heaven, waiting to come down" but I just said "I don't have any" she was certain I hadn't been to church in a while because I had a baby. I brushed it off and went on actually enjoying the lesson (weird for me cause I get bored pretty easy).

Sacrament meeting was the Primary Program, and they did an awesome job! But with every kid that went up to give his or her "talk" I wondered would I ever see my kids up there? By the end I was on the verge of tears and then they sang "Families Can Be Together Forever"...I lost it. I don't think anyone other than my mom-in-law saw though.

After sacrament an older gentleman asked me where my kids were (uh...again?) I told him I don't have any and then he said "You don't have any kids yet?" I had to tell him no, even though I wanted to say if I had a choice I would. He talked to me a little more then left. I thought my poor mom-in-law was gonna have a heart attack cause she didn't know what to say, but as always she made me laugh and I felt better.

I didn't think it would be this hard, I have actually been doing a good job convincing myself everything was just as it should be, and that I was ok with the fact that were not parents yet. Maybe I sort of am, but that was just too much for one day. I am so glad I went and in a way it really helped me see what I wanted out of life and that I need to get on a path and get there. I know that one day I'll be able to see my kid forget what he's supposed to say and sing off key over everyone else. But until that day, I just have to stay focused and trust that Heavenly Father will trust us to be parents one day, whatever way that may happen, it will happen.

Hope

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God"(Psalm 42:5-6, NIV).

Last night as I was checking my email, I got an email from my mom. It was simple, all it was, was this scripture. And it seemed to be the calm at the end of a trying day. I need to remember that no matter what trials I come across, I will never walk alone. He is always with me. Sometimes it is so hard to keep faith, but I know that there is a plan laid out for me and all I need to do is make good decisions and one day I will be able to have the family I want so badly.

I know that everyone has different trials and I pray that the times you feel alone, know your not. He is always with us.