100th Post!

I never thought I would have 100 things to write about but I just noticed that this will be post 100. Woot Woot!

I just wanted to give a little update for the two people that read our blog.

February...

was a hard month for me. My headaches would not go away no matter what I took or did. My incisions were oozy and hurt all the time. I finally faced the fact that I would never ever be able to bring a baby to this world, it was hard but not as hard as I thought it would be. I'm actually surprised I did/am taking it so well. When I told my Dr. that I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be she said "with as much trouble as your ovaries have given you I wouldn't miss them either" well said Dr. Beck! I still can't handle baby showers or brand new babies well. I do try to put on a brave face though. I really am happy for all my friends and family that have or are having babies, it's just hard for me to wonder "what if". Mrs. R posted a link to a blog where someone writes about infertility and its so true, its a wonderfully written piece. It's called Be Gentle, I hope you will read it. Oh, and I did get a Kindle Fire for Valentines day - I love it!

I did some digging about adopting through LDSFS . I thought we had to wait 2+ years before being able to adopt, but I asked a blogger {Thank you Mrs. R.} about it (since she has experience with LDSFS) and she said she thought that they would accept us. So I called the local office and the receptionist said that as long as my Dr thinks I am OK, then we shouldn't have a problem being accepted.

We have our first interview March 8th at 6 p.m. !!!

Wish us luck!

The "H" word....Hysterectomy

You have to know that the word "Hysterectomy" makes me cringe! Maybe its cause I'm only 27 and that's something that I associate with women older than me. But that's what I will have done on January 24th, 2012! 

Yesterday we met with my surgeon who has been working very closely with my oncologist and they agreed that this would be the best course of action. My remaining ovary is growing quickly like the other one did. One option we had was just to remove the ovary but the surgeon told me that controlling my hormones with just a uterus is a nightmare and its easier to control them by having everything removed. After everything I have been through, easy sounds good to me!

The surgeon is going to try and use the Da Vinci Robot to do the surgery. Its better than laproscopic and the recovery time is cut way down! 1-3 weeks!!! It may not be possible to use the robot though because of scar tissue from my previous surgery, but he wont know until he gets in there. If he can't use the robot then he will go through the original incision and that's a 6-8 week recovery.

I have a mixture of emotions about this. I worry that I wont be considered a woman anymore, but Gary quickly squashed that by reminding me that I'm not having gender reassignment surgery, just getting some bad stuff out of me....so that worry is gone. I'm scared that I'm going to be one of those women who (after "H" words) have a mental breakdown and go nuts. 

The strongest emotion I am feeling though is one of finality. Even though it was a long shot, there is no way we can have a miracle baby or give fertility treatments another shot...my genetic line ends with me! I guess Gary's ends with me too. 

Please don't get me wrong we are very excited to adopt have a little family but the fact that I will never have "my own" stings a little more than I thought it would. 

I know that I will get used to the idea and be grateful for what has happened. Right now my emotions are very raw and hard to comprehend. 

  I am so blessed to have everything I do have, so I feel selfish for being sad about this. I know it will pass, I'm just having a hard time coming to terms with it. 

  Check out the video of the Da Vinci Surgical System its on the right side of the page and its pretty cool!