I Choose Life!

I had a hysterectomy on the 24th of January. There was a tumor inside the remaining ovary but the doctor said that it looked dead, possibly the chemo killed it! I wont find out the specifics until the 13th but its looking positive!

I did kind of freak-out in pre-op when I had to sign the "consent to sterilization" form. OK not kind of, really freaked out. I was crying and shaking as soon as they said "sterilization". It's not a fun word at all, its word that (to me) means nothing - literally there is nothing inside me...well vital organs yes, but nothing that can assist in creating life. Amazingly, once I came out of surgery and I found out that there was a tumor in the other ovary I felt (and still do) relieved it was gone.

I Choose Life!

Now I am at home recovering, I have quite a few 2-3" incisions on my belly, kind of looks like I got in a knife fight with someone. My body doesn't like the hormone replacements so hopefully we can find an alternative. I have had a migraine since getting out of the hospital. My Doctor thinks its from stress the surgery put on my body. My incisions are healing but slowly, not as fast as we hoped. Again, the doctor thinks its from stress and shock to my body. He also said that my body would be focusing on healing from the inside out, and since the surgery was aggressive its taking its sweet time to heal my incisions.

But now that its done, I am glad to have it over with and to be alive. I'm glad to move on to the next chapter (whatever it is, I just hope its happy and cancer free).

And of course I need to thank my Momma & Gary and everyone else who has helped. I really appreciate all the love and support you have given.

January, welcome!

2012 is here! We have faith that this year will be better than 2011! We learned a lot, suffered a lot, and loved a lot in 2011 but we can do without the major surgery, cancer, chemo, hair loss, fatigue, stress, pain, tears, etc....

Like I said before, my surgery is on Jan 24th. I really hope that the Dr is able to perform the surgery with the Da Vinci surgical system. I am looking forward to having this done and gone! Hopefully this will take care of the wonky tumor markers and the new symptoms I have been having, similar to the last time my *other* ovary started taking up a lot more space than it should have. I have started getting cramps, bloating, having pain, and some other weird symptoms that come along with this. 

I have grieved and mourned the idea of having a hysterectomy, I accept that it needs to happen and that I would rather be alive and well without all of my reproductive organs, then not live with them! I just hope that the mourning I have done for my girly parts carries over after the surgery and I can move swiftly along.

We are pretty busy around here, work, school, melt downs (mine, though I have been melt-down free for about 2 weeks) and house hunting! We found the PERFECT house in Plain City but as luck would have it, someone put in an offer the day before we were going to!!! We are [in]patiently waiting two weeks to see if the other buyers were able to purchase the house. It almost breaks our hearts to move, we love our ward, friends, and neighbors. But this former country girl needs space! And a goat! Yup I want a pygmy goat and even though I may get away with having chickens here, I doubt I can hide a goat.

We are also looking into adoption from Mexico!!!  Hopefully in June we can get the ball rolling! My aunt is graciously helping us with all the logistics. When it happens it will be a dream come true! We already have names ready to go! Also if anyone does know of anyone that has a child up for adoption, please send them our way.

We wish everyone a wonderful 2012 full of blessings, love, and happiness!

Love,
Gary, Samantha, Ben, Mossy, Petunia, Shrek, Molly, & Cookie! 

Last Cycle!!

I started my last cycle of chemo on Monday!!! I have two days left for this week and then two Tuesdays and as long as my blood work comes back like it has been, I AM DONE! 


I can't wait until my hair starts growing again, or until I can open the fridge without gagging, or feed the dogs without running to the sink. My sense of smell is so sensitive and everything stinks to me, even I stink to me! Seriously! I think I smell like chemicals. I dont know if I really do, but smells travel with me too, so maybe Im smelling the chemo center all the way home. 


I saw my surgeon on Friday and he said my incision looks good. He also had to give me some antibiotics because I keep getting ingrown hairs (my leg hair STILL hasn't stopped growing). 


He also wants me to take 10-14 days off after my last chemo treatment, but HA-HA work wont allow that without me losing ALL my sick leave for the year. So we will see what happens. 


On the plus side, mom has been here for about a week and a half and it has been such a blessing having her here. She has helped so much, the dogs are even wanting to hang out with her instead of me and Gary. I love having my mom with me. She needs to retire so she can move up here with me :0) 

where oh where has my energy gone?

Day 23

 My 2nd chemo cycle started yesterday. Not the most fun place to be, but its gotta be done. I didn't blog at all last week because I had to have my head shaved and I was soooo depressed for a few (okay, most of the week) days. We did buy a wig for me. It looks like my hair before I cut it short for the beginning of chemo. So I feel comfortable with it, but its hot so I only wear it when I know Im going to be in an air conditioned room. I have a hard time dealing with people staring at me when Im wearing a scarf or one of my hats. I hope I didnt do that to people before I had to go through this, I will make sure I dont.

 Im ok with it now, I don't like it at all but I can deal. I know it will grow back 6 weeks after my last chemo treatment. One bummer, my leg hair hasn't stopped growing....seriously chemo?!?!

Ta-Da! me with my new do'!

With this new cycle I have found that I have zero energy. I am asleep or trying to sleep the entire time while sitting there during my 6-7 hour treatments. When I get home I want to sleep (and do). Today though, I made an effort to get my butt outa bed. I took Ben and Mossy for 15 minute walks each (I do not have the strength to take them together). It was nice to get out and move a little. I haven't had a lot of nausea yet, which I am thankful for. My appetite comes and goes though. One of the weird side effects I have had is extremely dry lips and mouth, I am constantly applying chapstick and drinking water or I have a hard candy in my mouth. Its pretty annoying.

Overall, I think I am coping ok. I am so thankful for everyone who has helped us. My mom-in-law drives me to chemo most days of the week when she doesn't, my dear friend Zennetta does. Gary has been wonderful to keep the house picked up, along with work, and his outside chores. And all my wonderful friends and neighbors who have brought dinner to us, THANK YOU!!! The dinners help out so much because I can't cook during my chemo weeks and a few days after, I guess I could try but we would be eating mac n cheese every night. So thank you, it is so appreciated.

Also, a special thanks to my cousin Lucas and my little brother Jimmy. Lucas shaved his head in my honor at his wedding (!!) over the weekend. I hope I get the video soon because I am so anxious to see everything I missed. I wanted to go so bad but Dr said I couldn't be around that many people on a plane or at the wedding, so we went camping instead. My brother did it yesterday and it meant so much to me. I feel so loved by both of these wonderful men in my family. I love you Luke and Bo (short for Jimbo)!! You two mean so much to me, I love you so much and I can't wait to see you when all of this is over!

Blessing for the day: Everything really, I feel very blessed to have such wonderful family and friends.

Moms Day!

Happy Mothers Day!

Mom, Nana, & Me

Mom & Me at Temple Square

My mom and my Nana are two of the most important people in my life. They have taught me so much, and have always shown me so much love. I wouldn't be "me" without them. I only hope I can become so much more like them as I learn more from them. 

Las quiero mucho! 

Christmas time was here.....

Let me start by explaining why I was dreading Christmas so much:

My family in New Mexico always has a big dinner/get-together on Christmas Eve at my grandparents house.

Gary's family doesn't.

Christmas day everyone goes to my grandparents again to finish off the left overs and just hang out for a while.

Gary's family doesn't.

I always go day-after-Christmas shopping with my mom.

She was in New Mexico.

To top it all off, I kept imagining how different my house would be if we had two little feet running around trying to take ornaments off the tree and making general toddler trouble.

But he is with his family now.

OK, so now the good part!

I was determined to make Christmas Eve a little like Grandmas, so I put Tamales on the stove to cook. We also had cookies and sparkling grape juice!

My mom, knowing how upset I was, called to assure me that I wasn't missing much, and that most of the family had gone down to Grandmas for Thanksgiving (which I got to see!) so they were spending Christmas Eve with their other families.

Instead of seeing everyone in one house, Gary and I traveled to his families houses and visited a while with everybody.

1st we went to his sisters house. We visited with her and the kids, we also dropped off their gifts (I heard they were a hit on Christmas morning! (Yay Aunt Sam!!))

We went and visited Grandpa & Uncle Lee. Gary's cousins Ashlee (and Chase) & AJ were there, as well as his Aunt & Uncle. It was really nice seeing people we don't see very often.

Then we visited his mom & dad, who we see all the time, but it was still nice.

We came home and enjoyed our quasi-New Mexico Christmas Eve!

On Christmas Morning we exchanged gifts (Santa was good to us this year!!), got ready and went to Gary's dads house.

There was yummy food (and a delicious punch I need the recipe for), Gary's Sisters & Brother and all their kiddos. While we ate everyone laughed and had fun, then came the presents! Gary and I got some cool stuff along with stockings for the dogs (they are so spoiled by their Grandpa Grant).

While everyone was opening presents I got a little sad and teared up a bit at the fact that we were a family of two sitting in our little area, while every other little family there had at least four. Seeing all the kids unwrap their presents and show their parents, I kept wondering "what if?".

But I also realized that I am very blessed in my own right, I have a wonderful husband who sat with me through those tears and tried to cheer me up, he also made sure I was busy the rest of the day to keep my mind off stuff. My niece Abbi made my day when she only wanted Aunt Sam to fix her hair and shared her Dolly with me. Later in the day at Grandpas house, Gary's Aunt Gail made me laugh, I met his cousins Cody's wife, Janelle, and she is so nice! We had a great time visiting with them.

That night we came home to our cute little house, even though it was quiet, I did have two 4 legged kiddos waiting to give us lots of love.

So this has been a really long post about Christmas and how much I was dreading it, and how great it turned out to be...sorry so long! But it just goes to show you that sometimes you just have to give things/people/days a chance and you might be surprised!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope it was fantastic!!

P.s. My birthday was great too!!

Thankful

  I'm about a month behind on posting about what I am thankful for. This has been a very trying time for our little family. I didn't tell many people about this; but we decided to try out the foster-to-adopt program, thinking that since we can't have children that we would try and add to our family this way, at least until we make some big decisions about infertility treatments and adoption.
  We got a little boy the end of October, and we absolutely fell in love with him. My wonderful husband jumped right in and was the best dad I have ever seen. He fell in love instantly. The baby was 18 months and such a joy.
  A week after he came into our home we found out that he was going to be taken back to him family (because of privacy stuff, I cant say anything about the family, but lets just say it was a really bad situation). This broke our hearts. I have never felt a pain like this, my arms felt empty, my house was too quiet, the dining room floor was too clean, and I didn't think I would miss hearing "the princess and the frog" in the background...all day long.
  A month later DCFS called again, the baby was back in foster care, of course we said we would take him. It was a repeat of the same situation as before. Again, we had our barely mending hearts broken. So were done with foster care. I feel awful saying that, but there is no way we can do it. We want children so badly, that to have one come in and then get taken back, going through that over and over again...there is no way we could survive.

  The Christmas season has been especially hard because I just keep thinking of what could have been. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel...I hope.

  Even though this has all been very, very hard I do have a lot to be thankful for:

• My hubby. Even though, he was hurting as much or more than I was; he was my rock. He was strong when I couldn't be and made sure I was ok.
• My mom-in-law Wanda. She came over and despite her severe dog allergies, was here when they took him away.
• My Mom, Nana, and Aunt Mirola; their kind, loving words and prayers made everything seem a little bit better every time I talked to them.
• The little kiddo, in his short time with us he taught us so much. We never knew we could love that much and fall in love so fast. He taught us how to be a family and to lean on each other for support.
• The priesthood. Words cannot describe how thankful I am that we have the priesthood in our home and in our life. The countless blessing of comfort and peace we received made it so much easier to deal with this. My dad in law and his co-workers, who valiantly gave up their time, gave us beautiful, thoughtful, and powerful blessings that got us through the next 12 hours until we reached New Mexico.
• My wonderful & beautiful family in New Mexico, they surrounded us with so much love and support the second we got there.
• My cousins Roberta and Criste are such sweet women, I am so blessed to have them in my life. They surrounded me with so much love, I don't how they knew I needed them to stay by my side the whole time, but they did. I can't express how much their kindness and love means to me

  I keep using the word love over and over, but I don't have another word for what I felt that all these amazing people were doing for me, they were loving me, and even though that's all they could have done. It was more than enough.  I have so much more to be thankful for, but this experience has taught me that I really need to value the people in my life so much more. Even though I feel alone a lot, I know that if I just reach for them, they will be there to help me through anything.

Roberta, Criste, & me.



Easter with Mom!

Mom came to visit over Easter/Spring break. I loved having her here, it made having a sick hubby so much easier (more on that in a minute). Mom flew in on Wednesday night and stayed until Monday afternoon. On Friday we went to Temple Square, I have wanted to go there since I moved to Utah!!

It was cold, but sooo nice!

We were trying to get a picture of us with the temple in the background...I should have asked someone to take it for us!

The flowers at Temple Square are absolutely beautiful! We took bunches of pictures of them and sent them to my grandma, who loves flowers.

After Temple Square we went to Whole Foods, since I never go, but I love that store! I bought bread, olives, teas, and some other stuff...yogurt? Anyway, its all gone except for the bread. We also went to dinner in SLC. We had such a great day! I love having my mom here. So I'm on a mission, either she has to move up here or us down there...

So my hubby has had a cold for the past 2-3 weeks, so on Friday morning I went with him to the Dr. and he got antibiotics and a cough syrup.

innocent enough

About 10 minutes after taking the antibiotic Gary started throwing up

crazy projectile vomit

The vomiting continued Friday night and all day Saturday, in all of this crazy puke, not once did I fathom the idea that he could be allergic to the antibiotic.

I called the on call Dr and sure enough he said it sounded like he was allergic. At 10pm I was hauling butt to Harmon's to pick an anti-nausea medication.

Finally about midnight that night, he quit puking.

He is finally better...thank goodness!

So that was our Easter weekend :0)

Oh yeah, can someone tell me where spellcheck is on here? I haven't found it since blogger changed.

Florida!!

Florida was so much fun! Gary and Dad did lots of fishing, Gary even caught a 4 1/2 foot shark! We also went to Tarpon Springs, it's where the boats dock that bring in sponges, it was a lot of fun. It's also a small Greek community and the food was so yummy! There were lots of small shops that we went into. I loved it. The weather was also great, it was in the 70's most days. Ahhh, I'm missing it again.

We got back from Florida on Tuesday. I was so sad the entire way home, even the night after we got back I was still bawling. I miss my Florida family so much. I loved spending time with my dad, sis, grandma, uncle, and my Ruster (my BFF)!

Me and Ruster (Stacy) deep sea diving...she forgot her gear.

Me and Daddy

                       Dad and a Jack fish

 

Gary and his shark

Check out all the pictures here, there are lots more!

New Mexico Trip

The two women in my life who I admire and love the most! My mom and my Nana.

The three of us, I miss nights like this when we were all able to just hang out and goof around.

My birthday dinner with my mom, brother and fried ice cream! I look awful cause I just had gotten off a plane!! What am I talking about? I went on a makeup strike the whole time I was down there, so ignore my zits please.

My trip was wonderful, I love my family and I love spending time with them. Nothing makes you appreciate what you have until its not there anymore. I even had a great time with my brother I love him so much, Im just waiting for him to get out of his rebellious teen thing.

2009 buh-bye!

2009 was full of ups and downs for us, thank goodness it was mostly ups!

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  We rang in the New Year at home, exhausted from a Christmas trip to New Mexico, then a work trip to Prescott, AZ for Gary to finish the job he was doing.
  
  
  
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  In February we found out we are dealing with two infertility obstacles.
  
  
  
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  Spent Easter with Gary's mom and sister
  
  
  
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  Work ended in May for Sam (yay!)
  
  
  
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  Sam headed to New Mexico for three weeks in June ( I had a blast!!)
  
  
  
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  Came home in July and we decided to try to concieve naturally.
  
  
  
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  Gary finished the porch!!!!
  
  
  
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  In August we spent our anniversary week in Yellowstone, we had a beautiful hotel room and had a blast!
  
  
  
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  Work started again for Sam, and a whole new set of challenges came up. But I have learned from them, so in the end hopefully I will be a wiser person(?)
  
  
  
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  October- Dr told us there was no way for us to concieve naturally :(
  
  
  
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  November - Gary turned 25 - Had an interesting Thanksgiving with Gary's family.
  
  
  
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  December - Saw an infertility Dr and he gave us hope!! (more on that in a later post). - We had a quiet Christmas morning at Garys moms house, breakfast was great! Then presents at his dads house. - Sam turned 25 (spent it in New Mexico with my wonderful family) - Happy New Year!!
  
  
  

Like I said, there were a lot of ups and downs, but overall I am so thankful for everything I have in my life, no matter what 2010 brings us, I know we can get through it.

It's almost Christmas!

I am so excited for Christmas! Were hopefully going to New Mexico and get to spend it with my family! Good food, Good company, and decent weather should make for a great trip!

We had Thanksgiving lunch with Garys dads family and then dinner with his mom and her family...I love my inlaws but nothing compares to a Barrera get together. There is always so much yummy food, and my family is all there...mom, brother, grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles are all there. There is always a great conversation happening somewhere, always someone laughing.

I might just be missing home a lot right now and thats why I am making it out to sound great, but I really do miss having a lot of family around. And I miss feeling like I belong to a family, does that sound weird? But I really dont feel like I fit in with my inlaws. I really do love them all dearly and enjoy most of them, but I always feel like an outsider.

Oh well, gotta make the best of it!

On Black Friday, I got a Cricut! Im so excited to use it, but since it's my bday present, I dont get to play with it until the end of December!

This was my random post about nothing really...I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!!

A hard Sunday

Yesterday, I went to church with my mother-in-law. I am so thankful for her. It's super hard for me to go to church with out Gary, but he was working.

During RS someone asked me where my kids were...I wanted to say "In Heaven, waiting to come down" but I just said "I don't have any" she was certain I hadn't been to church in a while because I had a baby. I brushed it off and went on actually enjoying the lesson (weird for me cause I get bored pretty easy).

Sacrament meeting was the Primary Program, and they did an awesome job! But with every kid that went up to give his or her "talk" I wondered would I ever see my kids up there? By the end I was on the verge of tears and then they sang "Families Can Be Together Forever"...I lost it. I don't think anyone other than my mom-in-law saw though.

After sacrament an older gentleman asked me where my kids were (uh...again?) I told him I don't have any and then he said "You don't have any kids yet?" I had to tell him no, even though I wanted to say if I had a choice I would. He talked to me a little more then left. I thought my poor mom-in-law was gonna have a heart attack cause she didn't know what to say, but as always she made me laugh and I felt better.

I didn't think it would be this hard, I have actually been doing a good job convincing myself everything was just as it should be, and that I was ok with the fact that were not parents yet. Maybe I sort of am, but that was just too much for one day. I am so glad I went and in a way it really helped me see what I wanted out of life and that I need to get on a path and get there. I know that one day I'll be able to see my kid forget what he's supposed to say and sing off key over everyone else. But until that day, I just have to stay focused and trust that Heavenly Father will trust us to be parents one day, whatever way that may happen, it will happen.

Halloween-ish

Halloween came and went this year. Were kinda bummed we didn't get to do more. But for some reason we have been extremely busy! We had more trick-or-treaters this year. I became the Halloween Grinch about 8:30 pm though, kids kept reaching into the bucket to grab more candy! After I had already given them a huge handful! For some odd reason this made me mad and I turned off the lights! Sorry if you came by and the lights were off.

Gary put together the awesome hand-less, foot-less, pumpkin head man. It turned out way better than we expected. We wanted to buy him boots, but I couldn't find anything cheaper than $12 at the D.I. And that seemed too expensive to just sit on the porch full of leaves.

I love it! Oh, some random news...Were going to Florida in January. Southwest had this awesome 72 hour sale and we were able to get tickets for $100 each way per person!! That is amazing, since we were thinking it was gonna cost us around $900. The flights are kinda crappy (2 stops) but only about an hour longer than a direct flight. Either way, I am soo happy I get to see my Dad, my family, and my best friend!!

Mom!!

My Mommy was here!

She got here on the 30th and left this evening :( I am so sad, I already miss her so much. She is so much fun to have around, I love having my mom around, she makes me feel like I can conquer the world. All my troubles disappear when she's near. Also, Ben was in heaven with his new buddy. He's been sulking all evening and keeps going downstairs to see if she is there. I hope we get to see each other soon...I really really miss her.

A day at the lake

Last Saturday we took Ben to the lake for a swim. The weather was perfect! Ben had fun, I enjoyed getting a tan, and Gary fished. He didnt catch anything, it was too early in the afternoon for the fish to be hungry. I love these little family outings we have.

Ben waiting to go get his toy

Swimming back!

His dirty, soggy toy

Gary walked out into the lake cause he didnt want to lose his lure...well it broke off in the water so he got all wet for nothing!

4th of July

On the 4th, Mom and I went to Ruidoso and had a blast! I lost $20 at the casino though!!! Its ok I had a great time walking through downtown and remembering all the fun I used to have with my cousins.

Mom and I watching the fireworks

My Mom made a friend in Ruidoso

My last day in NM, we went to lunch with Nana & Papo. I miss them so much!

New Mexico

I havent posted anything cause I was in NM! Ive been back about a week and I decided vacation time was over so I needed get some pictures posted! My moms cousin Chela had a surprise birthdya party and it turned out to be a blast!! The best part was seeing that nothing can slow my grandpa down! He just had shoulder surgery and he still got up to dance!

The Mariachis were great!

Victoria watching the Mariachis

Chela and her kids

My Papo and the birthday lady dancing!

Easter

For Easter we spent the day with Gary's Mom, Sister, & our Niece and Nephew. It was a small gathering, but we had a great time!

The video above truly touched my heart, there are so many issues that people are struggling with now a days, and this shows us that we arent alone in our struggles. Whatever they may be, I hope you dont feel alone, there is always someone with you.

"One of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so"
-Jeffrey R. Holland

Papo's 80th Birthday!

On Saturday March 21st we celebrated Grandpas 80th birthday. It was such a joy to see everyone together. I hope everyone enjoys watching this :)