Reality

  Its been a while since I've blogged anything. Honestly, I needed a cancer break. After I finished my last cycle I didn't want anything having to do with my diagnosis & treatment. I still despise the scarves I have to wear every day just because I feel like I have "cancer patient" written across my forehead. I need to buy one that says "Cancer Survivor!", maybe that will make it easier? Actually, one that says "Survivor" will suffice, I hate the word "cancer".

  Through the last month (My last treatment was on Aug 23rd) I've come to realize that I need to come to grips with the fact that I do/did (more on that in a bit) have cancer, that I fought an awesome battle, and (hopefully) beat it. My friend at work made me get my pictures taken wearing one of my scarves (I was more than happy to skip this years faculty pictures) because I needed to be able to look back at this time. She is right (though the picture will stay buried in a photo album for years). I have a tendency to assume that if I don't think about something it will just go away and I hoped the same would happen with cancer.

  But my reality is that I am dealing with this and will be for a while. On Thursday I got a call from the Dr and she said that my tumor markers went up. It could be a fluke, it could be something to be worried about. Like the last 6 months....we need more tests to figure it out. On Friday I had a CT scan and I am waiting for the Dr to call me back with the results. I will have to go in for a repeat blood test and probably a physical exam with my surgeon {yay!}. With my cancer being so rare there isn't really one test to tell us if its back, it took a myriad of tests and guesses to figure out if I even needed chemo to begin with.

  I really hope I don't have to do another cycle of chemo or anything else, I'm so sick of being sick.

  I want my hair to grow back and I want to get on with my life...without cancer!


Update (about 20 minutes after writing this post): The Dr called and they are worried the cancer may be in my spleen now (or maybe its a totally different cancer, I didn't think to ask). They are also worried about my Sciatica cause that could be caused by tumors and there are changes in my abdominal wall...whatever that means. So Im now scheduled for two MRI's and my port wont be coming out this week. I hate to ask this...but WHY??