I Choose Life!

I had a hysterectomy on the 24th of January. There was a tumor inside the remaining ovary but the doctor said that it looked dead, possibly the chemo killed it! I wont find out the specifics until the 13th but its looking positive!

I did kind of freak-out in pre-op when I had to sign the "consent to sterilization" form. OK not kind of, really freaked out. I was crying and shaking as soon as they said "sterilization". It's not a fun word at all, its word that (to me) means nothing - literally there is nothing inside me...well vital organs yes, but nothing that can assist in creating life. Amazingly, once I came out of surgery and I found out that there was a tumor in the other ovary I felt (and still do) relieved it was gone.

I Choose Life!

Now I am at home recovering, I have quite a few 2-3" incisions on my belly, kind of looks like I got in a knife fight with someone. My body doesn't like the hormone replacements so hopefully we can find an alternative. I have had a migraine since getting out of the hospital. My Doctor thinks its from stress the surgery put on my body. My incisions are healing but slowly, not as fast as we hoped. Again, the doctor thinks its from stress and shock to my body. He also said that my body would be focusing on healing from the inside out, and since the surgery was aggressive its taking its sweet time to heal my incisions.

But now that its done, I am glad to have it over with and to be alive. I'm glad to move on to the next chapter (whatever it is, I just hope its happy and cancer free).

And of course I need to thank my Momma & Gary and everyone else who has helped. I really appreciate all the love and support you have given.

January, welcome!

2012 is here! We have faith that this year will be better than 2011! We learned a lot, suffered a lot, and loved a lot in 2011 but we can do without the major surgery, cancer, chemo, hair loss, fatigue, stress, pain, tears, etc....

Like I said before, my surgery is on Jan 24th. I really hope that the Dr is able to perform the surgery with the Da Vinci surgical system. I am looking forward to having this done and gone! Hopefully this will take care of the wonky tumor markers and the new symptoms I have been having, similar to the last time my *other* ovary started taking up a lot more space than it should have. I have started getting cramps, bloating, having pain, and some other weird symptoms that come along with this. 

I have grieved and mourned the idea of having a hysterectomy, I accept that it needs to happen and that I would rather be alive and well without all of my reproductive organs, then not live with them! I just hope that the mourning I have done for my girly parts carries over after the surgery and I can move swiftly along.

We are pretty busy around here, work, school, melt downs (mine, though I have been melt-down free for about 2 weeks) and house hunting! We found the PERFECT house in Plain City but as luck would have it, someone put in an offer the day before we were going to!!! We are [in]patiently waiting two weeks to see if the other buyers were able to purchase the house. It almost breaks our hearts to move, we love our ward, friends, and neighbors. But this former country girl needs space! And a goat! Yup I want a pygmy goat and even though I may get away with having chickens here, I doubt I can hide a goat.

We are also looking into adoption from Mexico!!!  Hopefully in June we can get the ball rolling! My aunt is graciously helping us with all the logistics. When it happens it will be a dream come true! We already have names ready to go! Also if anyone does know of anyone that has a child up for adoption, please send them our way.

We wish everyone a wonderful 2012 full of blessings, love, and happiness!

Love,
Gary, Samantha, Ben, Mossy, Petunia, Shrek, Molly, & Cookie! 

The "H" word....Hysterectomy

You have to know that the word "Hysterectomy" makes me cringe! Maybe its cause I'm only 27 and that's something that I associate with women older than me. But that's what I will have done on January 24th, 2012! 

Yesterday we met with my surgeon who has been working very closely with my oncologist and they agreed that this would be the best course of action. My remaining ovary is growing quickly like the other one did. One option we had was just to remove the ovary but the surgeon told me that controlling my hormones with just a uterus is a nightmare and its easier to control them by having everything removed. After everything I have been through, easy sounds good to me!

The surgeon is going to try and use the Da Vinci Robot to do the surgery. Its better than laproscopic and the recovery time is cut way down! 1-3 weeks!!! It may not be possible to use the robot though because of scar tissue from my previous surgery, but he wont know until he gets in there. If he can't use the robot then he will go through the original incision and that's a 6-8 week recovery.

I have a mixture of emotions about this. I worry that I wont be considered a woman anymore, but Gary quickly squashed that by reminding me that I'm not having gender reassignment surgery, just getting some bad stuff out of me....so that worry is gone. I'm scared that I'm going to be one of those women who (after "H" words) have a mental breakdown and go nuts. 

The strongest emotion I am feeling though is one of finality. Even though it was a long shot, there is no way we can have a miracle baby or give fertility treatments another shot...my genetic line ends with me! I guess Gary's ends with me too. 

Please don't get me wrong we are very excited to adopt have a little family but the fact that I will never have "my own" stings a little more than I thought it would. 

I know that I will get used to the idea and be grateful for what has happened. Right now my emotions are very raw and hard to comprehend. 

  I am so blessed to have everything I do have, so I feel selfish for being sad about this. I know it will pass, I'm just having a hard time coming to terms with it. 

  Check out the video of the Da Vinci Surgical System its on the right side of the page and its pretty cool!

Dr appt update

This past week I had two Dr appointments... One with my surgeon and one with the oncologist. The first was with the surgeon, he did a physical exam and said it was normal...he is worried about my tumor marker levels (inhibin B), so he wants to go in and do an exploratory surgery to see if there is some cancer that the CT scans and MRI's haven't picked up. Also my liver function tests have been abnormal since the start of chemo, so he also wants to do a biopsy at the same time. But were putting off the surgery until we give a new medication some time to work. One of my other meds can cause liver abnormalities, so he switched it and were hoping that's what is causing the liver abnormalities. 

My appointment with the oncologist was a little better. She wasn't so quick to send me off to get cut open. She suspects that I could have some kind of chronic infection since my spleen is also abnormal (I was put together totally wrong, apparently). So they ran tests and hopefully I will learn some more before the end of next week. She also thinks that since I still have a functioning ovary, that's why my inhibin levels are still up, because ovaries make inhibin naturally. She has ordered more blood work at the end of November and a CT scan to see if there are any differences.....so were hoping for the best!!

It has been a little hard on me the last few days though, I feel like I can't move on. We would love to start the adoption process but I don't want too until they say "Hey your in remission!" so until that day comes I'm just waiting until the next Dr appointment....

I apologize that this post hasn't been the most cheerful, but I think all this is finally getting to me, I have tried so hard to stay positive through all of this. Its a lot to deal with.

 I will be back to my old self again soon...I have too! I hate being sad & worried all the time. 

Its depressing  ;0) 

Good news!

  After 2 MRI's we found out that there are not any tumors in my lower back (woo hoo!) the back pain is caused by a bulged disk (I got epidural cortisone injections to help with that) and that the spot on my spleen is a vascular abnormality (something else to worry about in the future). So no cancer on those!! We are waiting on the tumor markers test, I will get the results next week. Im gonna worry about those then, I just need to relax!

  Thank you to everyone for all of your wonderful thoughts and prayers, they mean so much to us. I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful support system, even after this long, you all are still here for me! Thank you!!

  Love you!!!

Reality

  Its been a while since I've blogged anything. Honestly, I needed a cancer break. After I finished my last cycle I didn't want anything having to do with my diagnosis & treatment. I still despise the scarves I have to wear every day just because I feel like I have "cancer patient" written across my forehead. I need to buy one that says "Cancer Survivor!", maybe that will make it easier? Actually, one that says "Survivor" will suffice, I hate the word "cancer".

  Through the last month (My last treatment was on Aug 23rd) I've come to realize that I need to come to grips with the fact that I do/did (more on that in a bit) have cancer, that I fought an awesome battle, and (hopefully) beat it. My friend at work made me get my pictures taken wearing one of my scarves (I was more than happy to skip this years faculty pictures) because I needed to be able to look back at this time. She is right (though the picture will stay buried in a photo album for years). I have a tendency to assume that if I don't think about something it will just go away and I hoped the same would happen with cancer.

  But my reality is that I am dealing with this and will be for a while. On Thursday I got a call from the Dr and she said that my tumor markers went up. It could be a fluke, it could be something to be worried about. Like the last 6 months....we need more tests to figure it out. On Friday I had a CT scan and I am waiting for the Dr to call me back with the results. I will have to go in for a repeat blood test and probably a physical exam with my surgeon {yay!}. With my cancer being so rare there isn't really one test to tell us if its back, it took a myriad of tests and guesses to figure out if I even needed chemo to begin with.

  I really hope I don't have to do another cycle of chemo or anything else, I'm so sick of being sick.

  I want my hair to grow back and I want to get on with my life...without cancer!


Update (about 20 minutes after writing this post): The Dr called and they are worried the cancer may be in my spleen now (or maybe its a totally different cancer, I didn't think to ask). They are also worried about my Sciatica cause that could be caused by tumors and there are changes in my abdominal wall...whatever that means. So Im now scheduled for two MRI's and my port wont be coming out this week. I hate to ask this...but WHY??

Last Cycle!!

I started my last cycle of chemo on Monday!!! I have two days left for this week and then two Tuesdays and as long as my blood work comes back like it has been, I AM DONE! 


I can't wait until my hair starts growing again, or until I can open the fridge without gagging, or feed the dogs without running to the sink. My sense of smell is so sensitive and everything stinks to me, even I stink to me! Seriously! I think I smell like chemicals. I dont know if I really do, but smells travel with me too, so maybe Im smelling the chemo center all the way home. 


I saw my surgeon on Friday and he said my incision looks good. He also had to give me some antibiotics because I keep getting ingrown hairs (my leg hair STILL hasn't stopped growing). 


He also wants me to take 10-14 days off after my last chemo treatment, but HA-HA work wont allow that without me losing ALL my sick leave for the year. So we will see what happens. 


On the plus side, mom has been here for about a week and a half and it has been such a blessing having her here. She has helped so much, the dogs are even wanting to hang out with her instead of me and Gary. I love having my mom with me. She needs to retire so she can move up here with me :0)