where oh where has my energy gone?

Day 23

 My 2nd chemo cycle started yesterday. Not the most fun place to be, but its gotta be done. I didn't blog at all last week because I had to have my head shaved and I was soooo depressed for a few (okay, most of the week) days. We did buy a wig for me. It looks like my hair before I cut it short for the beginning of chemo. So I feel comfortable with it, but its hot so I only wear it when I know Im going to be in an air conditioned room. I have a hard time dealing with people staring at me when Im wearing a scarf or one of my hats. I hope I didnt do that to people before I had to go through this, I will make sure I dont.

 Im ok with it now, I don't like it at all but I can deal. I know it will grow back 6 weeks after my last chemo treatment. One bummer, my leg hair hasn't stopped growing....seriously chemo?!?!

Ta-Da! me with my new do'!

With this new cycle I have found that I have zero energy. I am asleep or trying to sleep the entire time while sitting there during my 6-7 hour treatments. When I get home I want to sleep (and do). Today though, I made an effort to get my butt outa bed. I took Ben and Mossy for 15 minute walks each (I do not have the strength to take them together). It was nice to get out and move a little. I haven't had a lot of nausea yet, which I am thankful for. My appetite comes and goes though. One of the weird side effects I have had is extremely dry lips and mouth, I am constantly applying chapstick and drinking water or I have a hard candy in my mouth. Its pretty annoying.

Overall, I think I am coping ok. I am so thankful for everyone who has helped us. My mom-in-law drives me to chemo most days of the week when she doesn't, my dear friend Zennetta does. Gary has been wonderful to keep the house picked up, along with work, and his outside chores. And all my wonderful friends and neighbors who have brought dinner to us, THANK YOU!!! The dinners help out so much because I can't cook during my chemo weeks and a few days after, I guess I could try but we would be eating mac n cheese every night. So thank you, it is so appreciated.

Also, a special thanks to my cousin Lucas and my little brother Jimmy. Lucas shaved his head in my honor at his wedding (!!) over the weekend. I hope I get the video soon because I am so anxious to see everything I missed. I wanted to go so bad but Dr said I couldn't be around that many people on a plane or at the wedding, so we went camping instead. My brother did it yesterday and it meant so much to me. I feel so loved by both of these wonderful men in my family. I love you Luke and Bo (short for Jimbo)!! You two mean so much to me, I love you so much and I can't wait to see you when all of this is over!

Blessing for the day: Everything really, I feel very blessed to have such wonderful family and friends.

Day 13

Guess what? Its finally happening, I am losing my hair. I can't even pretend to be happy about this cause this is one of the worst things yet! I woke up to find a couple strands on my pillow, after my shower more than normal came out and I have been shedding throughout the day. My head is also very itchy, I am assuming it has something to do with the hair follicles giving up since my body isn't making any new hair.

I am really bummed about this. I have made the decision to buy a wig, it wont look like my hair before, maybe more like my hair now. I don't think I will wear it every day, but I don't yet have the courage to step into a restaurant or store wearing a scarf.

Gary keeps saying we're going to have a head shaving party...I guess that will happen within the next week or so.

This sucks.

Who's bones are these?

  It seems that I am finally having some sort of reaction to the neulasta shot (or else I just developed arthritis all of a sudden?) Since getting the shot I have been having some mild pain on the back of my hips (I guess that's my lower back huh?) and my shoulder blades. The pain has been tolerable and I haven't needed to take anything for it. Well, this morning I woke up with the worst body aches EVER! Everything from my ankles to my jaw hurts. I want to take a bath in Bengay! I have just taken Ibuprofin, I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back and I wont be opposed to something that will knock me out for 3-4 days.

  So far that is the only major physical thing I have had happen to me, emotionally....is another story. I don't see myself in the mirror, I'm not crazy, I just don't see me. I don't like my short hair, my puffy face, my sunk in eyes, the circles around my eyes. Ive always thought that my eyes were my best feature, I love my eyes! They are wonderful eyes, they allow me to see, but they are also the only part of me that look just like my moms -love my eyes! But lately I dont see myself in the mirror, I feel very blessed most days to be as lucky as I am, but I feel like this illness has finally taken over my body cause I dont look like how I feel (most days). I am rambling and I dont think I make any sense mostly because I'm still dreaming of that Bengay filled bathtub....

Blessing for the day: My eyes :0)

Dream baby

  I just woke up. I don't really know if I should be posting a blog about this,  but I had the most amazing dream. Most of my friends and family are aware of all the pain and suffering we have had to deal with because of infertility, and then came the sad experience we had with foster care. The news that chemo might wipe out my remaining ovary wasn't a shock, but it was still very sad to hear. The fact that it might have to come out in the future because of whatever damage is done to it because of my Polycystic ovary syndrome, cancer, or chemo wasn't a shock either, just sucked to hear.

  We have come to the conclusion that adoption will probably be the way we build our family. Neither of us have an issue with that, I just always dreamed of having "red headed Mexican babies" with Gary. I let go the notion of that little ideal baby in my head a long time ago. Adoption can be and is a wonderful thing, I have some beautiful people in my family because of adoption and would never ever trade them. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I'm really looking forward to our future and I can't wait to meet my little kiddos. I just started chemo but starting my day today with such a calm feeling about all of this, shows me that, my plan isn't the only one I need to consider. 

So onto my dream; it was a quick one, and I may have made it go quicker, I was so happy I woke up with a smile!! Its a little weird but bare with me.....

  I had a little baby in my arms that I was playing with on a merry-go-round (hey its a dream, babies play on merry-go-rounds in dreams....he could talk too!) We (my baby and I) were playing with my cousin and her little girl. Of course I was so happy and filled with joy that me and dream baby were together. We talked about how great it was to have him with me and how he was so loved and the most wanted baby in the world....Then a school bus came. I asked the baby if he was ready to go back. Baby said "will you be done by the time I come back?" and I told him that I would be (I knew he was talking about my chemo), and when he came back he would be with us forever. I put him in a car seat on the bus and he waved to me, smiled, said "see you in a little while" and fell asleep. I waved him off and went off into my house to finish up what I had to do. This would normally make a sad ending to dream but it gives me hope.

  If your wondering why I feel the need to share this, well its mostly for me to remember this amazing dream I had because I really do believe I have a child somewhere out there. Whether s/he is here yet or not I will get to see him or her again and I hope soon. But all in Gods time. That is a concept I struggle with, letting Him work in my life the way it needs to happen not the way I want or expect it to happen. 

  So to my little (one-day) baby, I love you and I will see you soon, as soon as I can. 

Chemo update: I had my Neulasta injection on Saturday. The shot wasn't bad and I am so happy to say that I didn't have the terrible achy bones side effect. I am a little sore on my hips and shoulder blades but nothing like I thought I would be. It just made me extremely tired. I have probably been asleep over 80% of Saturday & Sunday. My nausea has been the worst it has been too. We had every intention of staying at church yesterday but after about 20 minutes I thought I was going to be sick. I wanted to stay for the sacrament so I made it, but that tiny cup of water almost sent me running to the bathroom. Last night, a weird twist, I couldn't get enough to eat, I was so hungry! I ate so much roast beef, I don't understand where all this hunger came from. But the food was welcome, I was able to sleep last night ALL night without waking up. 

Happy 4th of July everyone!!! 


Tomorrow I go in for my Bleo & benadryl, ugh more chemo. 

Almost at the end of Day 5

I'm almost outa here!

(for a little while, anyways)

I am on my last bag of chemo for the day! Today my nausea has taken over and for the first time I had a hard time eating lunch. I wish I could survive on Cristal Light and Peanut Butter crackers. This has been a long week, one of the longest of my life. So much has happened, we have made so many changes, learned new information, felt love from so many people, and made a few new friends.

This is my IV "tree" this is all the meds I get on a "normal" day, minus the one that I need to finish out my day



Tomorrow I have to go to LDS hospital to get my Neulasta shot. That's the one that sends immature white blood cells into my body from my bone marrow, causing me intense joint pain (hooray!) But I need those little boogers to come out and fight whatever infections I may encounter, so bring on the percocet! (Just kidding, my nurse gave me very explicit instructions to start with Tylenol, that's what I will do :0)

Other than being very tired, disgusted with most of my favorite foods, and having a killer headache 24/7. This week has been OK.

I am so overwhelmed at the people in our lives. We love you all thank you for the support, love, and prayers.

Blessing for the day: I made it through the week without having an emotional breakdown. And that is thanks to my wonderful support group. Gary, Mom, Mom (Wanda), Zennetta, Grant, Dad, Amber, Britton, & All of my wonderful friends, cousins, aunts, & uncles who keep calling me daily,giving me tons of love and encouragement. I love you all thank you so much!