The "H" word....Hysterectomy

You have to know that the word "Hysterectomy" makes me cringe! Maybe its cause I'm only 27 and that's something that I associate with women older than me. But that's what I will have done on January 24th, 2012! 

Yesterday we met with my surgeon who has been working very closely with my oncologist and they agreed that this would be the best course of action. My remaining ovary is growing quickly like the other one did. One option we had was just to remove the ovary but the surgeon told me that controlling my hormones with just a uterus is a nightmare and its easier to control them by having everything removed. After everything I have been through, easy sounds good to me!

The surgeon is going to try and use the Da Vinci Robot to do the surgery. Its better than laproscopic and the recovery time is cut way down! 1-3 weeks!!! It may not be possible to use the robot though because of scar tissue from my previous surgery, but he wont know until he gets in there. If he can't use the robot then he will go through the original incision and that's a 6-8 week recovery.

I have a mixture of emotions about this. I worry that I wont be considered a woman anymore, but Gary quickly squashed that by reminding me that I'm not having gender reassignment surgery, just getting some bad stuff out of me....so that worry is gone. I'm scared that I'm going to be one of those women who (after "H" words) have a mental breakdown and go nuts. 

The strongest emotion I am feeling though is one of finality. Even though it was a long shot, there is no way we can have a miracle baby or give fertility treatments another shot...my genetic line ends with me! I guess Gary's ends with me too. 

Please don't get me wrong we are very excited to adopt have a little family but the fact that I will never have "my own" stings a little more than I thought it would. 

I know that I will get used to the idea and be grateful for what has happened. Right now my emotions are very raw and hard to comprehend. 

  I am so blessed to have everything I do have, so I feel selfish for being sad about this. I know it will pass, I'm just having a hard time coming to terms with it. 

  Check out the video of the Da Vinci Surgical System its on the right side of the page and its pretty cool!

Dr appt update

This past week I had two Dr appointments... One with my surgeon and one with the oncologist. The first was with the surgeon, he did a physical exam and said it was normal...he is worried about my tumor marker levels (inhibin B), so he wants to go in and do an exploratory surgery to see if there is some cancer that the CT scans and MRI's haven't picked up. Also my liver function tests have been abnormal since the start of chemo, so he also wants to do a biopsy at the same time. But were putting off the surgery until we give a new medication some time to work. One of my other meds can cause liver abnormalities, so he switched it and were hoping that's what is causing the liver abnormalities. 

My appointment with the oncologist was a little better. She wasn't so quick to send me off to get cut open. She suspects that I could have some kind of chronic infection since my spleen is also abnormal (I was put together totally wrong, apparently). So they ran tests and hopefully I will learn some more before the end of next week. She also thinks that since I still have a functioning ovary, that's why my inhibin levels are still up, because ovaries make inhibin naturally. She has ordered more blood work at the end of November and a CT scan to see if there are any differences.....so were hoping for the best!!

It has been a little hard on me the last few days though, I feel like I can't move on. We would love to start the adoption process but I don't want too until they say "Hey your in remission!" so until that day comes I'm just waiting until the next Dr appointment....

I apologize that this post hasn't been the most cheerful, but I think all this is finally getting to me, I have tried so hard to stay positive through all of this. Its a lot to deal with.

 I will be back to my old self again soon...I have too! I hate being sad & worried all the time. 

Its depressing  ;0) 

Good news!

  After 2 MRI's we found out that there are not any tumors in my lower back (woo hoo!) the back pain is caused by a bulged disk (I got epidural cortisone injections to help with that) and that the spot on my spleen is a vascular abnormality (something else to worry about in the future). So no cancer on those!! We are waiting on the tumor markers test, I will get the results next week. Im gonna worry about those then, I just need to relax!

  Thank you to everyone for all of your wonderful thoughts and prayers, they mean so much to us. I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful support system, even after this long, you all are still here for me! Thank you!!

  Love you!!!

Reality

  Its been a while since I've blogged anything. Honestly, I needed a cancer break. After I finished my last cycle I didn't want anything having to do with my diagnosis & treatment. I still despise the scarves I have to wear every day just because I feel like I have "cancer patient" written across my forehead. I need to buy one that says "Cancer Survivor!", maybe that will make it easier? Actually, one that says "Survivor" will suffice, I hate the word "cancer".

  Through the last month (My last treatment was on Aug 23rd) I've come to realize that I need to come to grips with the fact that I do/did (more on that in a bit) have cancer, that I fought an awesome battle, and (hopefully) beat it. My friend at work made me get my pictures taken wearing one of my scarves (I was more than happy to skip this years faculty pictures) because I needed to be able to look back at this time. She is right (though the picture will stay buried in a photo album for years). I have a tendency to assume that if I don't think about something it will just go away and I hoped the same would happen with cancer.

  But my reality is that I am dealing with this and will be for a while. On Thursday I got a call from the Dr and she said that my tumor markers went up. It could be a fluke, it could be something to be worried about. Like the last 6 months....we need more tests to figure it out. On Friday I had a CT scan and I am waiting for the Dr to call me back with the results. I will have to go in for a repeat blood test and probably a physical exam with my surgeon {yay!}. With my cancer being so rare there isn't really one test to tell us if its back, it took a myriad of tests and guesses to figure out if I even needed chemo to begin with.

  I really hope I don't have to do another cycle of chemo or anything else, I'm so sick of being sick.

  I want my hair to grow back and I want to get on with my life...without cancer!


Update (about 20 minutes after writing this post): The Dr called and they are worried the cancer may be in my spleen now (or maybe its a totally different cancer, I didn't think to ask). They are also worried about my Sciatica cause that could be caused by tumors and there are changes in my abdominal wall...whatever that means. So Im now scheduled for two MRI's and my port wont be coming out this week. I hate to ask this...but WHY??

Last Cycle!!

I started my last cycle of chemo on Monday!!! I have two days left for this week and then two Tuesdays and as long as my blood work comes back like it has been, I AM DONE! 


I can't wait until my hair starts growing again, or until I can open the fridge without gagging, or feed the dogs without running to the sink. My sense of smell is so sensitive and everything stinks to me, even I stink to me! Seriously! I think I smell like chemicals. I dont know if I really do, but smells travel with me too, so maybe Im smelling the chemo center all the way home. 


I saw my surgeon on Friday and he said my incision looks good. He also had to give me some antibiotics because I keep getting ingrown hairs (my leg hair STILL hasn't stopped growing). 


He also wants me to take 10-14 days off after my last chemo treatment, but HA-HA work wont allow that without me losing ALL my sick leave for the year. So we will see what happens. 


On the plus side, mom has been here for about a week and a half and it has been such a blessing having her here. She has helped so much, the dogs are even wanting to hang out with her instead of me and Gary. I love having my mom with me. She needs to retire so she can move up here with me :0) 

Ring, ring, ring, ring.....

(I wrote this a couple weeks ago and just decided to post it. I wasn't sure because of the infertility stuff)

The ringing could and probably will go on and on....its a side effect of the Cisplatin, one of my chemo drugs. And of course I have to get one of the "rare" side effects that most people do not experience....ringing in my ears, which can lead to high frequency hearing loss. Im going to have to talk to my Dr about this before my next round of chemo. Hearing loss runs in the family and I really hope it doesn't happen to me.

Other than that annoying side effect, the usual ones are still present, my nausea accompanies me most mornings, Im still always tired, and super achy from the Neulasta shot.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is that of my fertility (or infertility). Since I have one ovary left the Dr said conception would still be possible (before chemo). Now, two of my chemo drugs can cause chemo induced menopause. I wont know for about 6 months if my remaining ovary has any function. My Dr has attempted to "shut down" my ovary by having me take birth control during my chemo treatments. She didnt sound very confident when we devised this plan but were hoping.

Im not really hoping that it still works just to concieve, but more so I can be "normal". Everything has been so abnormal and rare for me that it would be great to just have something go right. If I can't have my own kiddos, totally ok with that!! I've had more than enough adoption experience to know that "blood" doesn't make a family. I have a wonderful family and some of our brood is adopted. Im not looking forward to the emotional roller coaster that comes with adoption, but in the end it will all work out.

where oh where has my energy gone?

Day 23

 My 2nd chemo cycle started yesterday. Not the most fun place to be, but its gotta be done. I didn't blog at all last week because I had to have my head shaved and I was soooo depressed for a few (okay, most of the week) days. We did buy a wig for me. It looks like my hair before I cut it short for the beginning of chemo. So I feel comfortable with it, but its hot so I only wear it when I know Im going to be in an air conditioned room. I have a hard time dealing with people staring at me when Im wearing a scarf or one of my hats. I hope I didnt do that to people before I had to go through this, I will make sure I dont.

 Im ok with it now, I don't like it at all but I can deal. I know it will grow back 6 weeks after my last chemo treatment. One bummer, my leg hair hasn't stopped growing....seriously chemo?!?!

Ta-Da! me with my new do'!

With this new cycle I have found that I have zero energy. I am asleep or trying to sleep the entire time while sitting there during my 6-7 hour treatments. When I get home I want to sleep (and do). Today though, I made an effort to get my butt outa bed. I took Ben and Mossy for 15 minute walks each (I do not have the strength to take them together). It was nice to get out and move a little. I haven't had a lot of nausea yet, which I am thankful for. My appetite comes and goes though. One of the weird side effects I have had is extremely dry lips and mouth, I am constantly applying chapstick and drinking water or I have a hard candy in my mouth. Its pretty annoying.

Overall, I think I am coping ok. I am so thankful for everyone who has helped us. My mom-in-law drives me to chemo most days of the week when she doesn't, my dear friend Zennetta does. Gary has been wonderful to keep the house picked up, along with work, and his outside chores. And all my wonderful friends and neighbors who have brought dinner to us, THANK YOU!!! The dinners help out so much because I can't cook during my chemo weeks and a few days after, I guess I could try but we would be eating mac n cheese every night. So thank you, it is so appreciated.

Also, a special thanks to my cousin Lucas and my little brother Jimmy. Lucas shaved his head in my honor at his wedding (!!) over the weekend. I hope I get the video soon because I am so anxious to see everything I missed. I wanted to go so bad but Dr said I couldn't be around that many people on a plane or at the wedding, so we went camping instead. My brother did it yesterday and it meant so much to me. I feel so loved by both of these wonderful men in my family. I love you Luke and Bo (short for Jimbo)!! You two mean so much to me, I love you so much and I can't wait to see you when all of this is over!

Blessing for the day: Everything really, I feel very blessed to have such wonderful family and friends.

Day 13

Guess what? Its finally happening, I am losing my hair. I can't even pretend to be happy about this cause this is one of the worst things yet! I woke up to find a couple strands on my pillow, after my shower more than normal came out and I have been shedding throughout the day. My head is also very itchy, I am assuming it has something to do with the hair follicles giving up since my body isn't making any new hair.

I am really bummed about this. I have made the decision to buy a wig, it wont look like my hair before, maybe more like my hair now. I don't think I will wear it every day, but I don't yet have the courage to step into a restaurant or store wearing a scarf.

Gary keeps saying we're going to have a head shaving party...I guess that will happen within the next week or so.

This sucks.

Who's bones are these?

  It seems that I am finally having some sort of reaction to the neulasta shot (or else I just developed arthritis all of a sudden?) Since getting the shot I have been having some mild pain on the back of my hips (I guess that's my lower back huh?) and my shoulder blades. The pain has been tolerable and I haven't needed to take anything for it. Well, this morning I woke up with the worst body aches EVER! Everything from my ankles to my jaw hurts. I want to take a bath in Bengay! I have just taken Ibuprofin, I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back and I wont be opposed to something that will knock me out for 3-4 days.

  So far that is the only major physical thing I have had happen to me, emotionally....is another story. I don't see myself in the mirror, I'm not crazy, I just don't see me. I don't like my short hair, my puffy face, my sunk in eyes, the circles around my eyes. Ive always thought that my eyes were my best feature, I love my eyes! They are wonderful eyes, they allow me to see, but they are also the only part of me that look just like my moms -love my eyes! But lately I dont see myself in the mirror, I feel very blessed most days to be as lucky as I am, but I feel like this illness has finally taken over my body cause I dont look like how I feel (most days). I am rambling and I dont think I make any sense mostly because I'm still dreaming of that Bengay filled bathtub....

Blessing for the day: My eyes :0)

Dream baby

  I just woke up. I don't really know if I should be posting a blog about this,  but I had the most amazing dream. Most of my friends and family are aware of all the pain and suffering we have had to deal with because of infertility, and then came the sad experience we had with foster care. The news that chemo might wipe out my remaining ovary wasn't a shock, but it was still very sad to hear. The fact that it might have to come out in the future because of whatever damage is done to it because of my Polycystic ovary syndrome, cancer, or chemo wasn't a shock either, just sucked to hear.

  We have come to the conclusion that adoption will probably be the way we build our family. Neither of us have an issue with that, I just always dreamed of having "red headed Mexican babies" with Gary. I let go the notion of that little ideal baby in my head a long time ago. Adoption can be and is a wonderful thing, I have some beautiful people in my family because of adoption and would never ever trade them. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I'm really looking forward to our future and I can't wait to meet my little kiddos. I just started chemo but starting my day today with such a calm feeling about all of this, shows me that, my plan isn't the only one I need to consider. 

So onto my dream; it was a quick one, and I may have made it go quicker, I was so happy I woke up with a smile!! Its a little weird but bare with me.....

  I had a little baby in my arms that I was playing with on a merry-go-round (hey its a dream, babies play on merry-go-rounds in dreams....he could talk too!) We (my baby and I) were playing with my cousin and her little girl. Of course I was so happy and filled with joy that me and dream baby were together. We talked about how great it was to have him with me and how he was so loved and the most wanted baby in the world....Then a school bus came. I asked the baby if he was ready to go back. Baby said "will you be done by the time I come back?" and I told him that I would be (I knew he was talking about my chemo), and when he came back he would be with us forever. I put him in a car seat on the bus and he waved to me, smiled, said "see you in a little while" and fell asleep. I waved him off and went off into my house to finish up what I had to do. This would normally make a sad ending to dream but it gives me hope.

  If your wondering why I feel the need to share this, well its mostly for me to remember this amazing dream I had because I really do believe I have a child somewhere out there. Whether s/he is here yet or not I will get to see him or her again and I hope soon. But all in Gods time. That is a concept I struggle with, letting Him work in my life the way it needs to happen not the way I want or expect it to happen. 

  So to my little (one-day) baby, I love you and I will see you soon, as soon as I can. 

Chemo update: I had my Neulasta injection on Saturday. The shot wasn't bad and I am so happy to say that I didn't have the terrible achy bones side effect. I am a little sore on my hips and shoulder blades but nothing like I thought I would be. It just made me extremely tired. I have probably been asleep over 80% of Saturday & Sunday. My nausea has been the worst it has been too. We had every intention of staying at church yesterday but after about 20 minutes I thought I was going to be sick. I wanted to stay for the sacrament so I made it, but that tiny cup of water almost sent me running to the bathroom. Last night, a weird twist, I couldn't get enough to eat, I was so hungry! I ate so much roast beef, I don't understand where all this hunger came from. But the food was welcome, I was able to sleep last night ALL night without waking up. 

Happy 4th of July everyone!!! 


Tomorrow I go in for my Bleo & benadryl, ugh more chemo. 

Almost at the end of Day 5

I'm almost outa here!

(for a little while, anyways)

I am on my last bag of chemo for the day! Today my nausea has taken over and for the first time I had a hard time eating lunch. I wish I could survive on Cristal Light and Peanut Butter crackers. This has been a long week, one of the longest of my life. So much has happened, we have made so many changes, learned new information, felt love from so many people, and made a few new friends.

This is my IV "tree" this is all the meds I get on a "normal" day, minus the one that I need to finish out my day



Tomorrow I have to go to LDS hospital to get my Neulasta shot. That's the one that sends immature white blood cells into my body from my bone marrow, causing me intense joint pain (hooray!) But I need those little boogers to come out and fight whatever infections I may encounter, so bring on the percocet! (Just kidding, my nurse gave me very explicit instructions to start with Tylenol, that's what I will do :0)

Other than being very tired, disgusted with most of my favorite foods, and having a killer headache 24/7. This week has been OK.

I am so overwhelmed at the people in our lives. We love you all thank you for the support, love, and prayers.

Blessing for the day: I made it through the week without having an emotional breakdown. And that is thanks to my wonderful support group. Gary, Mom, Mom (Wanda), Zennetta, Grant, Dad, Amber, Britton, & All of my wonderful friends, cousins, aunts, & uncles who keep calling me daily,giving me tons of love and encouragement. I love you all thank you so much!





Day 4

  One more day to go!

Well to finish out this week. Then on Saturday I will get a shot called neulasta (or something like that), that shot will send out immature white blood cells from my bone marrow into my body! Apparently its a very painful 3-4 days afterwards, but I need white blood cells to fight off any infections I might be getting. So As long as we have some pain meds, hopefully we can fight off some of the pain.

 Then I will go in on Tuesday again for my benadryl, renidaline, and bleomycin infusion. That should only take about an hour to hour and a half, I am thankful for that.

My nausea has been worse today, but luckily no throwing up yet. Just a lot of dry-heaving. I have had a killer headache all day though, I'm trying to drink lots of stuff and stay up on my Tylenol, but it isn't going away.

 I was able to go out and eat (if you call picking at a meatball sandwich, eating) with some friends after chemo today, it was nice to be around people that make me smile and have a somewhat twisted sense of humor like me:0) Thank  you for my blanket and goodies, I appreciate everything so much!

 Nothing too exciting happened at the chemo clinic today, which I am thankful for. I did get to see a variety of chemo today that other people were being administered. Some were brown, and some were bright red! Kind of interesting, since the most interesting one I have sometimes foams at the top, which makes Gary say that they are flushing me out with Tide!

Blessing for the day: GinGins they are a wonderful little candy that are kinda spicy and not very sweet. They take the nausea away for a little while too, thank you GinGins for being such a big help :0)

I know that this isn't a very thoughtful blessing, but on my first day of serious nausea they really were to me.   Besos for everyone!

Day 3

  I am surprised I feel as good as I do. I'm going to take advantage of it though, while it lasts. Actually, I hope I am one of the ones that beats the odds and has minimal side effects, but even if I don't and things do get worse I will deal with each side effect as it comes. So far the medication I have been given has been taking care of the nausea pretty well. This morning was the worst for me so far, I didn't think I was going to be able to swallow my anti-nausea pill. But I did and was able to eat my yogurt and 1/2 PB&J.

  Speaking of food, I found out today that I have to try my best to not lose any weight (WTH?!?!). I thought that this would be the only pleasant side-effect I would get! But my nurse explained to me that the chemo amount and mixture is based on kilograms, so if I start losing a lot of weight, I will be getting less chemo but still have the same amount of cancer cells. Kind of a catch 22. While researching this little dilemma I found out that weight gain is also a side effect because of all the steroids I will be getting! Exercise is also important during chemo, so Gary and I have been going for walks around the block, or (since its raining today) I did 20 minutes on the Wii. I am exhausted, but at least I got that exercise in...yeah I know 20 mins isn't a lot but when I have at least 2-3 liters of poisonous chemicals in my body, that's about all I can handle.

  Things got a little scary in the chemo room today, an older gentleman was getting his chemo and after being started on a very low dose he started to get Rigors (intense shaking and cold feeling) the nurse and Dr took great care of him during this time and called the paramedics. But it broke my heart to hear him go through that. It also made things very real, I realize that I have been very lucky so far not to suffer any dramatic side effects, but it can change, depending on the day and how my body is coping. Another woman who was sitting next to me, had to go home because her platelet levels were too low, she can't have chemo until next week if her levels are OK. I quickly researched on how to keep my platelet levels up, other than eating whole foods there isn't much I can do. So I hope I'm getting enough nutrients in, I guess I need to research what kind of nutrients I'm getting in peanut butter crackers!

  We found out today that I have to pay a co-pay every time I go in for treatment or see the Dr. we weren't expecting this, but we will manage.

  Gary and I went to buy food for the boys, it makes me a little sad that my kiddos (dogs) are staying away from me, I wonder if I smell different to them, or if they just sense that I cant really touch them too much? When we got home I made the bed, tea, and cleaned out the fridge (not well, but just threw away old food). Now I'm just resting. I am tired but ancy (a steroid side effect).

  Blessing for the day: Love, its all around us. I can feel it with every ones phone calls, heart felt messages, and encouragement. Thank you.

Day 2

  I'm a little late posting about my second day.
 
  Things started out great when I got there and most of the day was pretty uneventful. Then came the test dose of the Bleomycin it was only 2 IU's. The reason there is a test dose to see if the patient has an allergic reaction (I guess lots of people do) my right cheek immediately flushed and was very hot to the touch, so then came the benadrly(sp) and renalyn (sp) drip. That knocked me out. So luckily I slept through out the entire bleo drip and didn't have to be awake to feel my cheek sear.
 
  Finally I got to go home, I decided yesterday morning I was going to cut my hair...short. So I got a short A-line bob thing, that I hate. But at least when my hair starts falling out it wont be terrible. I wont have to feel long strands of my once beautiful hair coming out in clumps. I will eventually shave it, but I'm trying to postpone that!

  People keep asking my how I feel, other than the side effects I guess I feel OK, I am sad about the whole thing, there is always a "what-if" to worry about. Mostly I feel like I'm a huge imposition on those around me. Gary is my angel and worries so much about me, but he's losing sleep and I don't like him feeling this way. I wish I could make him feel better.

I want to look for a blessing every day, even if its just a small one, and yesterdays was my nurse, Debbie, she made me smile all day and then gave me a hug at the end of my treatment, she doesn't know it, but it meant so much. So have everyone's hugs (bring 'em on!) they make me feel better :0)

Treatment Plan

  Today was my first day of chemo. It wasn't as bad as I had expected, but I hear as the treatment goes on I will feel worse. We got there at 9:00 and after our "chemo class" I was started on an anti-nausea drip, then some steroids (I think), a potassium & magnesium drip, then I got my first "chemo" which is called Cisplatnin, after that I got Etoposide, then some heparin and I was finally able to come home. We got home about 4:30 so it was a really long day. Tomorrow I get to add Bleomycin to my "cocktail". The Bleo will only be once a week on Tuesdays though, so that's a good thing.

  I will have to complete 3-4 "cycles" and a cycle is:
5 days of chemotherapy with the Bleo infusion on Tuesday. Then I get two weeks off, but I still get the Bleo every Tuesday. So this process is going to take 9-12 weeks. I will lose my hair (I'm still dealing with that issue, but I'll have to accept it eventually!). And I will have the typical nausea and fatigue side effects. The anti-nausea infusion I got today seems to be working OK. I did have to take a pill on the way home, but bright light seems to affect me, kinda like when I have a migraine, so  I don't know if my nausea on the way home was from the bright sun or just a reaction to the meds or both.

   I was finally provided with some "normal people" information about my cancer. Check out this link. Then the "kind" of sex-cord-stromal-tumor I had was the Serolli Cell Tumor My oncologist said that she has only read about 6-10 women having that particular one. Its so weird how I had almost every single one of the "Signs & Symptoms" listed.

   Even though this seems like its going to be a rough road, I am sure I will make it through and hopefully be better than ever! I hope the 3 people that read this don't mind that I will be posting more than I usually do. I want to keep a journal on how I'm feeling and what is happening in our lives during all of this.

Its so weird how fast it has affected what I want to eat and drink, and I just started this morning. I drank a Sprite and all I could taste was the carbonated water. Crackers with Peanut Butter and Pretzel sticks with Mozzarella tasted so divine! Also Lime Tootsie Rolls were delicious! I keep telling Gary I want BBQ, so we'll see if I still want some when he gets around to smoking a turkey or roast. I might just have to have him drive down to Goodwood and get me some! Orange,vanilla, and Lemon Tootsie Rolls tasted horribly sweet. I guess time will tell what I want and don't want.

  Well, I'm off to make a log of my medication cause I have a lot more now!!

Ahh updates!

So I thought I would start this off on a depressing note 

{I'm that fun of a person!}

I have ovarian cancer, its super-rare and my doctors are unsure how to treat me.

The good news now!!

I am only at stage 1! My surgery was a success. The Dr removed my right ovary/tumor which was the size of a football. I have a nice 12" incision down my belly and has given me nothing but issues, but I am glad that is my only issue after surgery. My 3 day stay in the hospital turned into a 7 day stay because I kept getting infections any place they tried to put an IV in me {and they tried lots of places}. 

My pathology stuff came back too, my lymph nodes, odentum (?), and some other stuff came back negative for cancer. 

So all were waiting on now is to talk to the chemo therapy Dr. and then she and my oncologist will discuss if I need chemo or not. It sounds like they are leaning towards yes, as a precaution. I don't want to have it but if it keeps me with my family longer then, why not? 

It has been a hard few months, and I am anxious to get this over with. The waiting is the hardest right now, I don't sleep anymore and Gary has found me zoning out a lot. I want to call it day-dreaming, but its not its more like day-nightmares, cause I can just imagine the worst (I think I get that from my Nana). 

Thanks to my mom, Garbear, and my good friend Zennetta for being awesome and helping me with everything!! I love you all and couldn't have made it through the last few months without you and your generous help. 

Moms Day!

Happy Mothers Day!

Mom, Nana, & Me

Mom & Me at Temple Square

My mom and my Nana are two of the most important people in my life. They have taught me so much, and have always shown me so much love. I wouldn't be "me" without them. I only hope I can become so much more like them as I learn more from them. 

Las quiero mucho! 

Whats been going on here...

After posting last night I realized I haven't posted since January! It's not that there hasn't been anything to say, but time and energy run low most days for me.

In January I had that awesome stomach flu...that was fun.

In February I had an ear infection, Sinus infection, Strep throat, Bronchitis, and I got diagnosed with Asthma...still kinda fun.

In March I went to my gyn for my annual and a 13cm cyst was found on my right ovary, they gave me birth control to see if the hormones would shrink it. After over a month and three other appointments it only got larger and more solid. I saw a different doctor who wanted to operate as soon as he got my blood work back and MRI back. Well, he did get all the stuff back, but now the "mass" is mostly solid and no longer a cyst. It has its own blood supply. It is 15 cm X 13 cm X 11.2 cm....not so much fun.

On Monday I have an appointment with an gynecological oncologist, my blood tests came back negative for cancer, but they say there is always a chance because it is changing so rapidly....this really sucks.

Soooo, this is where I'm at. 

My sweet Garbear has been doing what he can to make me feel better, but he is worried and it's taking his toll. He looks very stressed, so me sick + work stress isn't a good combination for him, but Im so thankful for him. 

Coupons!

Gary and I have decided to start incorporating coupons when we shop, its a little time consuming but we have already seen some awesome savings.  Nothing that's worthy of a coupon TV show, but good for us. Last weekend we went to Smiths, with my list and coupons in hand we shopped (three separate transactions!!). My total bill was $106 and we ended up paying $32.

Then today I went to walgreens and got two bottles of Purex Crystals fabric Softener (reg $5.99 each) and eight bags of Butterfinger Snackers (reg $0.89 each). My total savings was over $16. I paid $6.04!!!

Happy 2011!



We hope that it is the best year that you ever have!

And that the next one is even better!!

Were looking forward to a lot this year and pray it will all work out.

A few things to celebrate in 2011:

We'll be married half a decade in August! 

I am finally going to decorate the house...I will!

I am going to graduate...it's 'bout time!

Gary is already doing great things with his woodworking and he has lots of projects planned!

And hopefully we'll get to go to Florida this summer!

and Im sure there will be many more things to come!!

Happy 2011!

Christmas time was here.....

Let me start by explaining why I was dreading Christmas so much:

My family in New Mexico always has a big dinner/get-together on Christmas Eve at my grandparents house.

Gary's family doesn't.

Christmas day everyone goes to my grandparents again to finish off the left overs and just hang out for a while.

Gary's family doesn't.

I always go day-after-Christmas shopping with my mom.

She was in New Mexico.

To top it all off, I kept imagining how different my house would be if we had two little feet running around trying to take ornaments off the tree and making general toddler trouble.

But he is with his family now.

OK, so now the good part!

I was determined to make Christmas Eve a little like Grandmas, so I put Tamales on the stove to cook. We also had cookies and sparkling grape juice!

My mom, knowing how upset I was, called to assure me that I wasn't missing much, and that most of the family had gone down to Grandmas for Thanksgiving (which I got to see!) so they were spending Christmas Eve with their other families.

Instead of seeing everyone in one house, Gary and I traveled to his families houses and visited a while with everybody.

1st we went to his sisters house. We visited with her and the kids, we also dropped off their gifts (I heard they were a hit on Christmas morning! (Yay Aunt Sam!!))

We went and visited Grandpa & Uncle Lee. Gary's cousins Ashlee (and Chase) & AJ were there, as well as his Aunt & Uncle. It was really nice seeing people we don't see very often.

Then we visited his mom & dad, who we see all the time, but it was still nice.

We came home and enjoyed our quasi-New Mexico Christmas Eve!

On Christmas Morning we exchanged gifts (Santa was good to us this year!!), got ready and went to Gary's dads house.

There was yummy food (and a delicious punch I need the recipe for), Gary's Sisters & Brother and all their kiddos. While we ate everyone laughed and had fun, then came the presents! Gary and I got some cool stuff along with stockings for the dogs (they are so spoiled by their Grandpa Grant).

While everyone was opening presents I got a little sad and teared up a bit at the fact that we were a family of two sitting in our little area, while every other little family there had at least four. Seeing all the kids unwrap their presents and show their parents, I kept wondering "what if?".

But I also realized that I am very blessed in my own right, I have a wonderful husband who sat with me through those tears and tried to cheer me up, he also made sure I was busy the rest of the day to keep my mind off stuff. My niece Abbi made my day when she only wanted Aunt Sam to fix her hair and shared her Dolly with me. Later in the day at Grandpas house, Gary's Aunt Gail made me laugh, I met his cousins Cody's wife, Janelle, and she is so nice! We had a great time visiting with them.

That night we came home to our cute little house, even though it was quiet, I did have two 4 legged kiddos waiting to give us lots of love.

So this has been a really long post about Christmas and how much I was dreading it, and how great it turned out to be...sorry so long! But it just goes to show you that sometimes you just have to give things/people/days a chance and you might be surprised!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope it was fantastic!!

P.s. My birthday was great too!!